We have a certain expectation of how things should work out in life or what we should be able to achieve or even how people should behave towards us and when that doesn't happen we get angry or jealous, indignant or stressed and depressed.
This is called attachment. Not in the Bowlby (prime care giver)sense of the word but in the Buddhist viewpoint and this is the meaning that I am referring to when I use that term.
It is our attachment to a particular outcome that causes all our suffering. We want things to be a certain way and when they are not, we tell ourselves all kind of stories, embark on an emotional roller coaster of pain and self righteousness and become the persecuted in the situation looking for everyone to agree with how badly we have been treated.
This is a complete waste of time, energy and focus because it doesn't matter what we think should have happened or how someone should have behaved because the truth of the matter is what's done is done and we need to deal with that.
The reality that is staring us in the face. A little heads up- you are never going to beat reality- whatever you think you can do to change a situation, forget it. If it's happening/ happened it's already done.
Accept it, deal with it, learn from it and move on. That's not to say that accepting reality is easy, but when all the emotions have run through us, it's still there staring at us with its beady eye.
Deepak Chopra calls the space between what is happening and what we think should happen, the stress zone. He calls it this because its not the event that is causing us stress but the thoughts in out head that we are telling ourselves about the event that are stressing us out.
So, for a much calmer and more content life, wouldn't it be better to acknowledge what has happened. accept that this is exactly the experience that you are meant to be having and choose how you are going to respond with intelligence and integrity. How do you know that this is the experience that you are meant to be having? Because it's happening and as I mentioned before, you won't win against reality.
This is not to say that because you are accepting of the situation in front of you that you are a pushover, in fact it's quite the opposite. By removing all that emotion from the situation, you can clearly see what needs to be done to achieve the best outcome.
This may involve you saying to someone soothing like.."I know you can't change what has happened but to prevent another situation like this could we.....
Or " I know we can't change the situation and I understand your decision but for my own wellbeing, I have to let you know that I'm hurt and disappointed at the outcome but will do my best to do what you have asked me to do.
The truth is that you are going to have to decide to do what you have been asked or face the consequences but you can choose not to have all that emotion, pain and drama going on in your head while you do it. So take control of your mind, accept what is and enjoy a calmer and more content life where you can put all that energy that you would have previously wasted to good use by focusing on a positive area in your life that you want to promote.
If you would like to know more or start your coaching journey with me, then please get in touch. Speak soon.
Chris.